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| 9:38 a.m. | 2004-12-06
I am home in Yorkshire now. At first it was odd. Loki turned up in the morning to let me know that THEY wanted to come in the house, but I decided not to let them in. I used to think that Loki was the one who was chasing me, but I graudally saw that he would appear as a warning, and when I was suicidal he would materialise and smile at me, and the suicidal urge would lessen somwhat. I am strangely at home with him coming and going, my pyschiatrist seemed alarmed that I could have a seven foot tall male companion with a rams skull for a head without being afraid, but then, he is alarmed by most things I say. There are a lot more mirrors in our house, and THEY don't like mirrors. When I was in lectures and I'd begin to get the feeling that THEY were moving parts of my brain around, I'd go and look in the mirror, and see only me reflected back, perfectly normal, and the fear would lessen a bit. Similarly THEY would also enjoy hiding behind the shower curtain and talking, but at home we have a transparent glass partition and so THEY cannot hide, and THEY do not come. On the whole, THEY have been absent, except when I leave the house, then THEY have a field day. I try to ignore them, and carry on with my business. Audible hallucinations seem less vivid, THEY only cough or whisper now. Or course parents and boyfriend are worried and call/knock on my door frequently, to check that I am 'okay' and 'not upset' It's hard to convey to them that this is not a mood thing, it's very much random and external. I don't think they believe it, they attribute it to stress and think that getting a boyfriend will help somewhat (it sure helped Sylvia Plath huh?) and so they all grin and make cups of tea often. No being believed is quiet liberating because you can just career along inyour own silly existence and not worry endlessly about it. It's the difference between madness and having an imaginary friend, one if feared and one is humoured. |
